The Potty Queen Method Blog

Potty Training and the Nervous System: Why Your Child Struggles to Wee or Poo

By Principal Lisa Sherrington-Boyd, The Potty Queen

What if I told you that successful potty learning isn't simply about whether your child knows what a potty is, can pull down their trousers, or can tell you they need a wee?

What if I told you that your child's nervous system plays an important role in the whole process?

As an early years educator and potty learning specialist, I spend a great deal of time helping parents understand that toileting is far more complex than we often give children credit for.

We talk endlessly about whether a child is 'ready'. We celebrate dry pants, worry about accidents and wonder why a child who happily sat on the potty yesterday suddenly refuses to go anywhere near it today.

But we rarely stop to consider what is happening inside that little body.

And I think it's time we did.

Potty Learning Begins in the Brain, Not on the Potty

Learning to use the toilet involves a remarkable combination of neurological development, physical coordination, sensory awareness, emotional security and experience.

Your child's brain needs to recognise signals coming from the bladder and bowel, interpret what those sensations mean, and coordinate a response.

Think about everything involved in having a wee.

The bladder gradually fills. Signals travel through the nervous system to the brain. Your child becomes aware of the sensation, recognises what it means, decides what to do, gets to the potty, manages their clothing, and eventually learns to relax the appropriate muscles to release their wee.

That's quite a lot for a little person!

And those connections aren't necessarily mastered at the same time.

A child might understand exactly what a potty is for but struggle to recognise the sensation of a full bladder.

Another child might recognise the sensation perfectly well but find it difficult to relax enough to release their wee when sitting on the toilet.

This is why I always encourage parents to think about capability rather than simply asking whether their child is ready.

Meet Your Child's Nervous System

Our autonomic nervous system regulates many of the bodily processes that happen without conscious thought.

Two of its main divisions are particularly interesting when we think about toileting.

The Sympathetic Nervous System: The Body's Alert System

Imagine your child is frightened, anxious or feeling under pressure.

Perhaps they've experienced a painful poo. Perhaps they've been frightened by the toilet flushing. Perhaps they're worried about having an accident, or they can sense that everyone is waiting for them to produce something.

Their body may become more alert.

The sympathetic nervous system helps prepare the body to respond to challenges and threats. It also contributes to the storage phase of bladder function.

When a child becomes tense or distressed, they may find it harder to relax their pelvic floor muscles and release wee or poo.

This doesn't mean they're being naughty, stubborn or deliberately difficult.

Their body may genuinely be finding the process difficult.

The Parasympathetic Nervous System: Rest and Digest

The parasympathetic nervous system supports many of the processes associated with digestion, bladder emptying and bowel function.

Successful toileting relies on a complex relationship between automatic nervous system activity and voluntary muscle control.

When children feel comfortable and secure, they're often better able to relax and coordinate the muscles involved in toileting.

That doesn't mean a child must be completely calm to do a wee. Our nervous systems are much more complicated than that.

But it does help explain why a child who happily wees in the bath or inside a nappy might struggle to do exactly the same thing when sitting on a potty.

The physical ability may be there, but the circumstances feel very different.

Interoception: The Sense We Rarely Talk About

Here's a word I would love every parent to know.

Interoception.

Interoception is our ability to notice and interpret signals coming from inside our bodies.

It helps us recognise sensations such as hunger, thirst, fullness, discomfort and the need to use the toilet.

When we think about potty learning, interoception is incredibly important.

Your child needs to begin recognising those internal sensations and understanding what they mean.

They might notice:

"My tummy feels funny."
"Something is happening down below."
"My bladder feels full."
"I think I need a poo."

Over time, through development, practice and experience, these sensations begin to make sense.

But children don't all develop this awareness at exactly the same pace.

Some children recognise the sensation only when their bladder is extremely full. Others become aware of it much earlier.

Some children recognise that a poo is coming but haven't yet learned how to coordinate the muscles involved in letting it out.

And for some children, particularly those with sensory processing differences or certain developmental conditions, recognising and interpreting internal sensations can be especially challenging.

This is one reason why repeatedly asking, "Do you need a wee?" isn't always particularly helpful.

If your child doesn't yet recognise the sensation, they may genuinely have no idea.

Instead, we can help children become curious about their bodies.

"We've had a lovely big drink. I wonder what your bladder will tell you later?"
"Your tummy is making some interesting noises. I wonder what's happening inside?"
"You're having a little wriggle. Sometimes our bodies move like that when we need a wee."

We're helping children build awareness, not expecting them to produce an answer they don't yet have.

When Fear Gets in the Way of Poo

Now, this is something I see regularly in my work with families.

A child has a painful poo.

Perhaps they've been constipated. Perhaps they've passed a particularly large or hard stool.

Whatever the reason, they've experienced pain.

The next time they feel a poo coming, their brain remembers that experience.

And what do they do?

They try to stop it.

They might cross their legs, clench their bottom, stand on their tiptoes, hide behind the sofa or refuse to sit on the potty.

Parents sometimes mistake these behaviours for signs that the child is trying to push the poo out.

In fact, the child may be doing everything possible to keep it in.

Unfortunately, withholding can make constipation worse.

The longer stool remains in the bowel, the more water can be absorbed from it, making it harder and potentially more painful to pass.

And so a very difficult cycle can begin.

Pain leads to fear. Fear leads to withholding. Withholding leads to harder stools. Harder stools lead to more pain.

And the next toileting experience becomes even more frightening.

This is why I feel so strongly about addressing constipation and poo withholding early.

A child who is experiencing painful bowel movements doesn't need more encouragement to sit on the potty.

They need the pain and constipation addressed, reassurance, and an opportunity to rebuild confidence.

Persistent constipation, painful stools or withholding should always be discussed with an appropriate healthcare professional. Emotional support is important, but it cannot replace medical treatment when that is needed.

Can Pressure Actually Make Potty Learning Harder?

I believe this is one of the most important questions parents should consider.

Imagine somebody repeatedly asking you to perform a bodily function.

"Come on, have a wee."
"Just try."
"Sit there a little bit longer."
"Are you sure you don't need to go?"
"Everybody is waiting."

Now imagine you're a toddler.

You're still learning to recognise the sensations inside your body. You're beginning to develop control over your muscles, and suddenly there's an enormous amount of attention focused on whether you can produce something in a plastic potty.

For some children, that attention becomes uncomfortable.

They may resist sitting, become upset or begin withholding.

And the more worried the adults become, the more intense the whole experience can feel.

I am not suggesting that gentle prompts, encouragement or predictable toilet routines are harmful. They can be extremely helpful.

What matters is how we approach them.

There is a world of difference between warmly inviting a child to try the potty and creating an atmosphere in which they feel that success is expected every time.

Our job isn't to force the result.

Our job is to create the conditions in which learning becomes possible.

Co-Regulation: Why Your Response Matters

Young children are still developing their ability to manage emotions and cope with stressful experiences.

They frequently rely on adults to help them feel secure.

We call this co-regulation.

When a child is struggling with toileting, the way we respond can influence how safe and supported the experience feels.

Think about a child who has just wet their trousers.

One response might be:

"Oh no! You've had another accident! Why didn't you tell me?"

Another might be:

"Your wee came before you got to the potty. Let's get you comfortable and changed."

Both adults want the child to learn.

But the emotional experience of those two interactions may be very different.

In the second example, the child receives information without blame.

There's no humiliation, no panic and no suggestion that they've failed.

Just a calm adult helping them make sense of what happened.

This is the kind of environment I want children to experience while learning to use the potty.

One in which mistakes are simply part of learning.

Five Ways to Support Your Child's Nervous System During Potty Learning

1. Make the Potty Feel Familiar

Allow your child to explore the potty before expecting them to use it.

Let them look at it, sit on it fully clothed, put a teddy on it or talk about what happens when we go to the toilet.

Familiarity can reduce uncertainty.

2. Support Their Body

Children need to feel physically secure when sitting on the potty or toilet.

If they're using a toilet, make sure they have a stable seat and somewhere to rest their feet.

Dangling legs can make it harder to find a comfortable, effective position for passing stool.

A footstool and a supported sitting position can make a real difference.

3. Teach Body Awareness

Talk about bodily sensations during ordinary daily routines.

Notice when your child has had a drink, when their tummy is full or when they appear to be recognising that a wee is coming.

Be curious rather than demanding.

You're helping them make connections between sensations and actions.

4. Make Room for Play

I often use playful demonstrations, stories, pictures and even my rather wonderful poo hat to help children understand what happens inside their bodies.

When children can see how food travels through the digestive system, why poo becomes hard and what helps keep it soft, something that once felt frightening can become interesting.

We can remove some of the mystery without making the experience feel like a lesson or a test.

5. Respond Calmly to Accidents and Resistance

If your child has an accident, help them clean up.

If they're frightened, acknowledge the feeling.

If they refuse to sit, become curious about why.

And if they're withholding poo, experiencing pain or developing persistent difficulties, seek appropriate support rather than trying to push through.

Sometimes the most helpful thing an adult can do is reduce the pressure.

Capability, Not Readiness

If you've followed me for any length of time, you'll know that I talk a great deal about capability rather than readiness.

And understanding the nervous system adds another important layer to that conversation.

Children have developing capabilities.

They learn to recognise sensations, coordinate muscles, communicate their needs and make decisions about their bodies.

Those skills aren't all acquired on the same day.

Nor do they develop simply because a child reaches their second or third birthday.

A child may have the physical capability to use the potty but still need help with sensory awareness, muscle coordination, confidence or overcoming a painful experience.

And that's where thoughtful, respectful support becomes so important.

Potty learning isn't a race.

It isn't a competition between children.

And it certainly isn't a test of how successfully we've parented.

It's an opportunity to support children as they develop a greater understanding of their own bodies.

My Final Thought

When a child struggles with potty learning, I want us to ask a different question.

Not simply, "Why won't my child use the potty?"

But, "What might be making this difficult for my child?"

Perhaps they're still learning to recognise their body's signals.

Perhaps the toilet feels frightening.

Perhaps they're uncomfortable, constipated or remembering a painful experience.

Perhaps they're simply finding it hard to coordinate everything that's being asked of them.

When we begin with curiosity rather than pressure, we have a much better chance of understanding what support they need.

Because successful potty learning isn't about teaching a child to perform on command.

It's about helping them understand their body, recognise its signals, develop the skills to respond and feel confident in the process.

And that, to me, is what respectful potty learning is all about.

Capability, not readiness.

With love,

Principal Lisa The Potty Queen Happy Families with Principal Lisa

Need Some Support With Potty Learning?

If your child is refusing the potty, withholding poo, experiencing accidents or you're simply unsure where to begin, you're very welcome to join my Happy Families community.

You can explore my Potty Queen Method course, join the Clubhouse for practical resources and parent conversations, or book a personal consultation so we can understand what's happening for your child and put together an individual plan.

Because sometimes a little more understanding can make all the difference.

Visit www.happyfamilies.me to explore the support available.